Sensitive Jae

I normally don't know how to start these things so, here goes... I'm going to just blah blah blah and hope I can make sense of my ramblings later. If you were to ask me how my week has been, I'd have to say S.S.D.D. I can't wait to get back to San Francisco so I'll have something to do with my time. My husband and I were living in a small religious town that had absolutely nothing to do! There wasn't even a coffee shop to hang out. The only reason we lived there was for his job. We hated this town though and the town hated ME. I've always been different and being a 6ft tall, flat chested amazon doesn't help. Anyways, my husbands shop went under right after we took out a loan to pay off the car and.......... Here we are at my mother-in-laws in Kansas saving every ducket we can so that we can move back to the Bay Area. Once again, were in a small town here in Kansas - nothing is open on the weekends and what is open closes at noon (right when I'm finally waking up).

Here I am, S.S.D.D. Playing Civ until I'm blue in the face. I spent last week not feeling so hot and this week I'm feeling better. I started cooking again and made a pork-pot-pie and then an incredible skillet of buscuits and gravey. Tonight I'm fixing chipped corned beef, YUM!

I had one of my "creepy, I don't know you" dreams. That's what I call them when I tell my husband out them. This one wasn't very out of the ordinary and from what I recall of it was only a 5 second dream. A man named Ron introduced himself to me. Tall, slender, balding on top with a grey trail of hair from ear to ear. He seemed nice, friendly and comfortably dressed.......... I don't know anyone named Ron. I don't know ANYONE for that matter. I have alot of dreams like this and they always come and go. The last dream I had like this it was just a name of some place. The name was so strong in my mind when I woke up that I could not stop thinking about it so, I broke down and looked it up on the net. Come to find out it was some small cemetary in Australia. So small it only had one reference to it. Could these dreams be some kind of contact?

My husband and I have been here in Kansas for 3 months now. A month after we arrived one of our cats started having seizures. We went thru the house a second time to "cat proof" and found nothing that could possibly causing these. Shortly after his big seizure I saw the back end of a large cat with a black back end and a bushy black tail dart from the side of the fridge and around the corner towards the couch. It's always very fast and semi transparent like a shadow. The times I have seen these Grim has had a seizure a short time later. I described this back end of a cat to my husband and to his surprise he said "that sounds JUST like Bandit", a childhood cat he had. Sparky, our other "kid" respondes to Bandit as well, he's the only one that will play with Bandit. The other 3 cats will be sleeping while Sparky is doing "race tracks" thru the house and goofing with Bandit.

Anyways, I didn't get much sleep last night so I think I'm going to put my laundry in the dryer and take a nap before everyone starts coming home.

One last thing, I've been reading about the Large Hadron Collider which really worries me. I read in the news last night that scientists are aren't so sure about what's going to happen now and that they are recalculating, blah blah blah. When I read this story I had such an incredible feeling of darkness. It was as if I were in a rubber suit that was deflating, making it hard to breath. I'm a firm believer in science but hello??? There are just somethings that should not be played around with. Creating black holes on Earth??? I don't care how small they are! These scientists are going to perform this task based on "theory"! There are 10 billion what-if's! What if something goes wrong and they can't "kill" this black hole? What if something else is created? They've already had one "oops" with falty wiring. Is that a sign? In my honest opinion, they should not be playing around with something like this without FACTS, not theory nor, should they be playing with something like this without fail safes. A way of reversing it or killing it. Does this Large Hadron Collider scare the holy crap out of anyone else?

I guess I should start out by telling you all a bit about myself, when it all started and some experiences. You can tell me at the end of this if I'm insane or not :-) I was born April 18th, 1973 into a very troubled family. I'm the last of 5 children. My mother and father seperated when I was very young (about 3 or so) and even though I was not the typical "angry child" I do recall what seemed to be a dream. As we were driving across country I remember looking out the car window into other cars and seeing distorted puppets instead of people. Since then I have been terrorfied of puppets and clowns. Very common I know..... Anyways, when my parents seperated I was loaded into the car and off we all went with my mother.

When my mother and father were married we all lived in a house on a military base. I remember this house so vividly and remember I hated that house! Around sunset the house was usually empty with just my mother and I so it was really quiet. The light that would come thru the windows always made the house look orangish and I remember feeling so incredibly uncomfortable. Thinking about that house still to this day gives me the creeps.

Things started getting a bit more intense when I was around 6 or 7. For the most part I was an incredibly happy kid. Even when my mother stepped up her drinking I was happy. My mother was working as a nurse in some hospital at the time. I had several dreams about her at work. She worked graveyard in the "special needs departement". Just standing at the end of a hall, I could see the nurses desk very clearly and I could see her talking to a nurse behind the desk. I had told her about these dreams, what she was doing, the woman she was talking to (though I had never met her), how she was standing, etc. She told me I wasn't allowed to talk about this subject again. One night she raced home because she had seen me standing at the end of the hall at the hospital - I was in bed sleeping. One time she went to a party, in the "dream" I was standing behind her while she talked to some man. The next morning I asked about him by name and relayed a few things they talked about - only what I could remember. I was then ORDERED to never talk about this kind of thing again.

Shortly afterwards I started having problems with my health. When ever someone was around me who was sick I would then get sick and they were all better by the next day. I spent a large part of my early childhood being sick. I was taken to the doctor several times and though I had all the symptoms of this, that and the other there was no sign of physical ailment. This stopped about 2 years later.

When I was around 11 or so my experiences started again. I started having dreams about people dieing. My first dream was of a man who I used to visit. He had 2 strokes and was pretty much immobile. I had a dream that he died in his chair watching T.V. Less than a week later he had passed on in his chair. How he died, I don't know. The second dream was when my eldest sisters girlfriends mother had died. She passed 3 days after the dream. I had never met her or anything. After the 3rd dream my brothers and sisters had stopped talking to me for almost 6 months. The dreams stopped.

When I was around 13 or so I went to live with my eldest sister and her girlfriend for a while as my mother was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer. Unfortunately, my sister and her girlfriend had a serious drug problem so we moved around alot. My sister dabbled in the occult a bit and one apartment we moved into had something horrible in it. They were nice apartments too! At sunset the apartment had that strange orange glow to it like our old house. The apartment was always dead silent and we never heard anyone walking thru the halls. One day my sister brought home a Ouji board and we proceeded to use it. We contacted a man who lived in the apartment. Funny thing is that the Ouji board would not work for my sister, just myself and her girlfriend. We asked why and he said "because she has red hair". Whatever that means! We tried to use it again the next night and no more contact. Instead things started happening in and just outside the door of the apartment. The T.V. used to turn on and off at odd hours (the T.V. was old and didn't use a remote), all of us started fighting heavily, very negative feelings in the apartment. A few days later there was an incredible odor of vomit baking in the sun right in front of our door. It was there when we moved out 2 weeks later. My sister had purchased a crystal which she carried in her pocket and had it with her when we used the Ouji board. Right before we had moved we had gone to the Psychic Institute in our area and explained the situation. We were told that the energy is trapped in that crystal and in order to rid ourselves the negativity we needed to bury the Ouji board and put the crystal in a jar of salt and bury that too. The psychic also walked over to me and told me I was special in the sense that I'm a psychic "sponge". Gifted with a bit of this and a bit of that so to speak..... After all was said and done we never dabbled in that kind of thing again and the occurances had stopped once more.

When I was 15, I had a dream that my mother came to say good-bye to me. She was in her flowing wedding dress, young, healthy and beautiful. She had said it was time for her to go now and that she loved me very much. I was sitting in our drive way when she came. When she reached the end of the drive way and out of sight I had woken up. It was a few minutes after 3am. I spent the whole morning calling home with answers. I finally reached my mothers husband sometime around noon to find out she had passed away shortly after 3am. I haven't spoken to my family since.

Here I am now in my 30's, dealing off and on with cancer and often question my sanity. Though I don't have the experiences that I had when I was a kid, I do still have experiences. I know my mother is still around. I have no pictures of her at all yet people close to me have been able to describe her from dreams they've had - asking them to take care of me. For the longest time I have often felt as though I were going insane because as much as I like being social, I can't stand people. I go into a crowded store or mall and have panic attacks. It's like I can feel everyones negativity being aimed right at me. I have turned around many times in my life to find people standing behind me whispering and staring at me. I would swear I could hear people talking about me from across the room. My husband used to think I was just being paranoid until he started tuning in and paying more attention. 95% of the time I'm dead accurate about assessing a person attitude or feelings. I've been told by almost everyone I know that I am a very emotional person and I know I am. I respond very heavily to others emotions whether they are displaying them or not. Long story short, I just can't be around groups of people for very long - it's just much to overwhelming!

I also feel things in places. Vibes I guess. Peoples homes, businesses, buildings, places.... Things like that. I seem to be very sensitive to how a place feels. Some places make me very happy for no reason, very sad or I just can't be in there. I start fussing and get anxious and that's when I have to leave.

I see things from time to time. I'd like to think it's my mother who is usually standing behind me when I'm in the bathroom getting my makeup on. I can feel as though I'm being watched and though the feeling doesn't last long, it's a very nice feeling. In the house my husband and I were living in, a woman and her daughter had lived there. She worked as a nurse and died in a car accident on her way home from work at the hospital. When we moved in her passing was so recent that a bag of her clothes were still in the front closet. We had to ask what happened to previous tenants and we were told about her passing. I don't wear perfume (asthma) but I could certainly smell hers from time to time at the front door and in the shower. Our cats used to sleep in the bedroom with us. They suddenly stopped coming in and when they did it was to chase something on the wall that wasn't there. I could feel a presence in that house though.

I also have an issue with things that require batteries which is now escalating to electricity. My mother had the same issue. I can't be around anything that requires batteries.... I kill them. Ever since I could remember I have drained the life out of batteries to the point that they can't hold a charge at all. Pagers, cell phones, watches, portable DVD player, electric shaver, etc. I first thought it was just coincidence but this has been going on my whole life and has now moved onto blowing light bulbs (we replace lightbulbs in the house monthly) and getting shocked at the switch, frying brand new blenders, 2 brand new hot glue guns exploding in my hand, brand new answering machine catching fire.... Need I go on? At first when I told my husband (when we first met) he thought I was a bit batty, now he finds it hysterical because when a light bulb is burnt out he knows I was the last one to use it or when the brand new blender is in the garbage he knows I fried it. It's a big joke to him but is getting a bit scary to me.

How do I learn to manage the sensitive feelings. I've never been able to talk to anyone about this, how to control it or anything. For 35 years I've felt that I'm so incredibly alone and sometimes wish I could turn off the "voices" and have a normal day at the store, or enjoy my dinner out with my husband in "silence". Sometimes the thoughts are so loud I can't stand it. I've been to psychiatrists before and each one has told me there is nothing wrong with me. So, if I a sensitive is there anyone who could offer some advice? Oh, and ear plugs don't work :-)